I told Helen what I thought of her. Now.. I wait again for her response, part 2.


I wonder if I'm actually good looking. Like so good looking that people are discouraged. It's impossible though. I told myself I'd call Scooter, or wait for her to call before I told Helen, with my Aquarius (are illogical beliefs capitalized? never before) sweet talking ways, all the stuff I had wanted to say to her. To confirm things. I always want to confirm things. I think Helen is the only girl so far that might be smart enough to save me, I like looking at her eyes, she has Amy's eyes, and the glasses - how they used to look. That can hold my attention. She can be our 4th. That would be great. She needs shorter hair actually. And thick rimmed glasses. But I'm not gonna do stuff like that - suggest things. I just hope... that she cares, at least a little.

My fortune cookie said:

Action is the proper fruit of knowledge.

But there's two things wrong with that:

First, Inaction is also, just as often, if not more often, the proper fruit of knowledge, and second, Do I really even have knowledge?

I don't know.
I mean I know.
Or, I know that I don't know.

I repeat that in my mind, over and over.

I mean I know that when I know something I should act on it - and I do, I even act on things I think I know. I even act on things, I think I shouldn't, when I know I shouldn't.

I even think when I know shouldn't.
And I think when I know I should act.

Amy's not gonna call I don't think, and maybe that's for the best, that's probably for the best, that's definitely for the best.

Though, if she does call - maybe that would be for the best. If she cares, she'll call. I haven't done anything wrong. I do things that I always thought were morally right. I never did them for myself - never the big things. Leave the world better than when you found it. Or maybe... I can do this for myself, Helen can save me. And just not leave the world any worse than when it was.

And there it is:

 

HalfJack90: trillian is a lot easier
HalfJack90: its helen
HalfJack90: i forget which of my sns you have
ManMonkey502: Mercenary 665
HalfJack90: haha ok well this is the other one
ManMonkey502: lol
ManMonkey502: well I guess you're still talking to me
HalfJack90: um ok, ill try to recreate what i just wrote but shorten it
ManMonkey502: it's gotta be bad then.
HalfJack90: i think you're really cool, awesome to talk to and interesting. and good looking whether you belive it or not. but getting involved with someone is a really bad idea right now, the ex situation is complicated. plus i think yours is too? i had an extremely bad experiance with my ex not being over his ex and i really dont want to repeat that. but i think youre awesome and id love to be your friend
ManMonkey502: ok.
ManMonkey502: I'm sorry and stuff
HalfJack90: the rejection isnt anything against you
ManMonkey502: with talking to you
HalfJack90: its circumstancial
HalfJack90: you dont have anything to be sorry for
ManMonkey502: you say that.. it doesn't really matter - I'll think it is anyway
HalfJack90: :-(
HalfJack90: its true
ManMonkey502: Don't worry about it.
HalfJack90: i like you, i dont want you to feel rejected
ManMonkey502: heh
ManMonkey502: yeah
HalfJack90: i have the feeling if we got romantically involved itd crash and burn
HalfJack90: exes tend to do that
ManMonkey502: I think if it ever was going to, you're the only new person I've met so far who could really be smart enough for me to di... I don't even care it doesn't matter
ManMonkey502: I shouldn't have said anything
ManMonkey502: ignorance is bliss
ManMonkey502: don't worry about it, honestly
ManMonkey502: And actually that's probably for the best
HalfJack90: i actually think the same thing about you, youre the most interesting person ive met here
ManMonkey502: meh
ManMonkey502: I'm your average guy
HalfJack90: how come youre insecure?
ManMonkey502: Stuff like this happens.
ManMonkey502: lol..
ManMonkey502: I don't even know when people like me.. and I thought you'd save me and
ManMonkey502: forget it heh
HalfJack90: you probably think im saying it to be nice
ManMonkey502: yes, probably
ManMonkey502: I'm... like Bipolar, but I've decided to call it "Chronic Catharsis"
ManMonkey502: and like
ManMonkey502: yesterday I was manic
HalfJack90: but im not, id date you if i could
ManMonkey502: and... that day in dining hall I was
ManMonkey502: that's why I chose those days to spend time with you
ManMonkey502: because I didn't want you to see the other Duncan yet
HalfJack90: ive had bipolar friends, liked both sides of them
HalfJack90: they were the most creative
ManMonkey502: I don't even really like either side of me
HalfJack90: why not?
HalfJack90: youre different
HalfJack90: most people are the same
HalfJack90: total mob mentalitly, whether they realize it or not
ManMonkey502: You're probably right about me though, tonight my exgirlfriend, (the first one) was going to call, and I told myself I'd tell you directly how I felt if she didn't, and I didn't wait
ManMonkey502: she's not gonna call anyway
ManMonkey502: tomorrow, I'm going to be depressed again, Fridays are always like that, and uh, I just figured if you wanted to meet me again, after I knew how you felt
HalfJack90: yeah, i kinda have jealously issues now, which sucks
ManMonkey502: I would be clingy, I would devote myself to you, I would want to spend time with you, I'd be jealous allll the time, I'd think you were cheating on me, I wouldn't trust you, and I'd want you to spend all the time you could with me
HalfJack90: and if youre ex wanted you back?
ManMonkey502: I... knew she wouldn't have
ManMonkey502: I was waiting for her to call and say she didn't
ManMonkey502: but she won't
ManMonkey502: that ex, was 4 years ago
HalfJack90: but, it doesnt really matter if she wants you back or not
ManMonkey502: I know
HalfJack90: or the other ex
ManMonkey502: I know
ManMonkey502: don't worry about it, heh, I'll be fine in a few days right?
ManMonkey502: you should get to bed : )
ManMonkey502: have a good day tomorrow
HalfJack90: you too, feel free to talk to me if you need someone to talk to
HalfJack90: i mean it, youre a cool person
ManMonkey502: I will need someone, but.. it doesn't matter.
HalfJack90: of course it does
ManMonkey502: I'll see you around.
Then I logged off.

The tears are comin' on full now.

See? Speak of the devil. Since there was incomplete knowledge. Inaction is the only logical step. Always. Knowledge is always incomplete. No one anything says can ever be trusted. Only what they do, I have to act based on what they do, when people tell you what they feel, that's you thinking you know what they think, everything people say will go through stages.
What they really think.
What they choose to say.
What you think they meant by what they chose to say.
What you think they really think.
A life ruining game of "Telephone" is that the name of it?


How does that House episode go?

House: How can I tell what’s real?
Jack: Does it matter?
House: That doesn’t sound like something I’d ask.
Jack: All right, your concern is that if you act in the real world based on information that’s not real, the results are impossible to foresee.
House: With you so far.
Jack: But information is incapable of harm in and of itself. Ideas are neither good nor bad, but merely as useful as what we do with it. Only actions can cause harm.
House: That sounds like me.
Jack: So you do nothing, you refrain from taking any actions.......

And I really don't think I'll be fine in a few days.

And as the curtain falls... we bid you all goodnight.